The New and Improved Periodic Table of Elements
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Hydrogen(H)   Essential element in the igniting of flatulence

Helium(He)   Used to make your voice sound funny usually right after igniting flatulence

Oxygen(O)   Essential element of Nitrous Oxide. Has other uses too.

Silicon(Si)   A valley where thay keep computer freaks. 
(Bet you were expecting a Jessica Hahn joke.)

Neon(Ne)    Attracts yuppies the same way tungsten lights attract moths.
Useful for decorating resturants.

Sodium(Na)  Essential element in everything that tastes good.  Kills you.

Carbon(C)   Used to date ancient
            materials. Such as rocks,
            fossils, early Grateful
            Dead Albums, ect...
 
Iron(Fe)    Something you hire
            someone else to do.
 
Choco-      Tin used to be in this late (Ch)   spot, but you can LIVE
            without Tin.
 
Gold(Au)    Primarily found in your
            Visa and MasterCard.
 
Platinum(Pt)Primarily found in your
            American Express Card.
 
Aluminum(Al)Primarily found in the
            body of a DeLorean.
 
Guac(Av)    Primarily found in party
            Dip.
 
Bookum(50)  Found Primarily in the
            Hawian Islands.
 Graybluium(Dl)Most commonly used
              Element in
              Manufacturing of
              Yuppie Homes.
 
Goat          Might not be an actual Cheese(Pu)    element, but no one
              wants to get close
              enough to find out.
 
Light Beer(Lb)Harless isotope of
              real beer. Like a
              Fosters, mate.
 
Gymnasium(Y)  When refined becomes
              Healthclubium.
 
Bovinium(Moo) Main element of yummy
              molecule  ChMoo3.
 
Tofutti(Eo)   The principal building
              block of Michael
              Jackson's Face.
 
McNuggets(Mc) not the real nuggets
              but an incredible
              simulation of them.
 
AndyRoon-     D'yever notice how some ium   (Nx)    abbreviations for
              elements just don't
              make sense?
 
Park Place(Pp)One of the most
              expensive elements.
              Worth even more with a
              hotel on it.
 
Sitcomium(Sc) Inert.
 
Upsidasium(Jw)Element derives from
              the Mooseberry bush.
 
 Dilithium(Di) A rare crystal that
              threatens to explode
              whenever Scotty needs
              something to rant about
 
Phlegm(Ph)    Sorry to bring this up.
 
Lead (Pb)     Used to be Uranium
              before it decayed.
 
Beachboysium Used to be talented
        (Bb) before it decayed.
 
Laegakium(Bs)An ambundant heated gas
             found in Lawyers.
 
Padmium (Pd)  Element used to fill
              space in projects as
              deadlines appear.
 
Stuff (X)     Everything Else.
 
 
***********The Heavy Metals***********
 
Ozbornium(Oz) Extremly unstable,
              easily sets off chain
              reactions.
 
Vanhelium(Vh) The lightest of the
              Heavy Metals, Easily
              split.
 
Motlycruium(MT) Be afraid, Be very
               afraid.
 
Twisted-      Half life of 30  sisterium(Eh) minu...Whoops! there it
              goes!

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