The Only Foolproof Way to Hypnotize a Lobster --------------------------------------------- by Edmund S. Muskie Back when I was campaigning for governor of Maine, I would occasionally be called upon to demonstrate a technique taught to me by a fisherman from Owls Head, Maine: I would hypnotize a lobster. A simple procedure, really. But be warned. There are a few things you must memorize before you mesmerize. 1. CHOOSING A LOBSTER: I never met a lobster I didn't like. A couple of prerequisites are: -a firm grip -good eye contact To add to the drama of the demonstration, make sure your lobster is vigorous. Quite vigorous (see number two). 2. GETTING TO KNOW YOUR LOBSTER: Grasp him or her in your left hand, making sure you place your fingers just on the carapace (where the body and tail meet). Now see if your hand-held Homarus americanus is a flapper - you know, if the tail flaps quite a bit. If it does, then you've got a good one. Presumably you're trying this in front of a crowd, so wait until everyone is duly impressed before you move on to number three. 3. PUTTING YOUR LOBSTER IN A TRANCE: Now, when I was a senator, I listened to occasional speeches here and there that I thought were enough to put any sel-respecting lobster to sleep. But here is a simpler way. Holding the lobster in your left hand, start stroking (with your right) the lobster's tail in a downward motion, curling it as you go. Do this until the lobster is inert. 4. MAKING YOUR LOBSTER DO SOMETHING LOBSTERS NORMALLY WOULDN'T DO: Moving carefully, you may now stand your lobster on his head, using the claws for support. In other words, you make a tripod. He'll stand like that until you wake him up. 5. WAKING UP YOUR LOBSTER: Grasp the lobster by the carapace - either hand, it doesn't matter - and shake. To arouse a particularly stubborn lobster, shake and whisper, "Drawn butter, drawn butter." -Taken from the 1989 Old Farmer's Almanac. ÿ