The Sound of snowflakes... 
 
The jingle of sleigh bells... 
 
The crowded malls... 
 
 
It could only mean one thing: 
 
Penis Day is near!!! 
 
Penis Day is perhaps one of the oldest known holidays, but thanks to popular 
right-wing movements, it has all but disappeared from our lore.  Now, with 
certain children's show hosts helping to raise the American consciousness, 
we feel this would be a splendid time to take a look at Penis Day and a 
little of it's great history: 
 
Penis day goes far back before Greeks and was started during the Punic 
Wars. 
 
A young soldier was eating the tradional Spam and Saurkraut 
sandwhich when he decided to write a "V" letter home to his wife. As he 
began to scribble, a shell from a loose cannon smacked him square on 
the crotch. Being a very tough soldier, he simply slipped it into 
the envelope and sent his penis home. His wife was so pleased to have a 
small piece of her husband, she is credited with the celebations 
begining! 
 
This was the first recorded incident of a man handing over his genitalia 
to his wife.  Not surprisingly, this custom spread like wildfire and 
became an established part of matrimony that is fervently practiced 
in today's society. 
 
Those of you reading may wonder what is so jubilant about surrendering 
one's privates to one's wife.  The holiday is not a celebration of that 
act, but instead, Penis Day is the ONE day of the year that the wife 
returns a man's penis to him. 
 
In one of his unpublished journals, President James Buchanan wrote about 
how lonely Penistime was for him because of the fact that he was 
single and had his with him all along.  In October of 1859, he writes: 
 
"There is much celebration outside my window tonight. From my window I can 
see the women dressed in their merry garb...The houses festooned with 
great and huge rubber penises and the children are hanging Condoms by the 
fireplaces. Ohhh a unshakable gloom has filled my life!  But to be able to 
join in the gaiety that surrounds my very home, but alas, I have no wife 
to return my penis to me." 
 
During the Cold War of the late'50s, Penis Day was still being practiced 
in Fallout Shelters across America. 
Although the tought of Nuclear war was hanging over our heads, we could 
still have some of that 'Down-Home' Family holiday feeling. 
 
Dad would inventory the family surplus of gas masks and batteries 
when Little Jimmy and Susie would give a small skit re-enacting the 
first Penis Day celebration.  
 
Nothing could stop our determination to continue with this grand holiday! 
 
During the Kennedy years of the early sixties, Penis Day celebrations were 
stifled due to what the government referred to as "sensitive 
information".  During the Cuban Missile Crisis of '62, the Washington 
Press had a hayday calling Penis Day "The Missiles of October" and making 
jokes about how this would be the year that Kennedy would be inundated 
with envelopes from all the women he was seeing at the time with his penis 
in it.  He assigned a high security team the task of ending Penis Day 
once and for all. 
 
LSD was placed quietly into all the major water supplies throughout the 
entire northern hemisphere while large blimps circled with subliminal 
messages such as 'Penis Day is bad' and 'Penis Day? What is Penis Day?' 
And the famous ' Try and take my penis, Why dontchya!!!!" 
 
It has been recently documented on CNN that Penis Day is coming back 
and we have to be ready for it. There was some concern expressed that it 
may not be as popular as it was when it was a special time for the entire 
family.  Some women, it seems, prefer to keep their husbands' gonads ALL 
the time and refuse to give them back.  These kind of people are 
referred to as the Anti-Penis.  They simply want total control and some 
even want it for themselves. The thing we all have to ask ourselves 
right now is: Where have we gone wrong?  Why have we taken such a 
grand tradition and let the lawmakers turn it into such a shambles? Where 
are the values of yesteryear when a husband could look forward to the one 
precious day a year when he could once again regain his individuality 
and manliness? We interviewed a man who really looked into this, Pat 
Robertson. 
 
Pat: " Well, I'm no sisssy, but I think Penis Day is a crying shame! 
As a Right-Winger I have to say that Penis Day is a wicked afront to all 
God-Fearing Men and Women". 
 
Tmw:"But we thought that you were 
 for anything that would bring the nuclear family closer" 
 
Pat: "Well, I am, but God does not want Man Loping off their willies for 
a dead holiday!!" 
 
Tmw: "Pat, why don't you just go Fuc....(Censored)" 
 
Nonetheless, Hallmark Shops across the nation will be ready with their 
new line of Penis Day ornaments and cards with saying such as "My 
Darling, I love you and I want my Dick Back" 
 
And " I love you from the bottom of my Schlong" And so on and so on... 
 
To those that truly believe that Penis Day is a solemn holiday, their 
belief in the celebration goes far beyond the rhetoric and politics that 
involve themselves in one's private life.  And to those of you who now 
join us in this joyous celebration, we can only say "Welcome" and... 

         HAPPY PENIS DAY!!! 
 
                   By Smell-e-meat  
                         And 
                      Hap-e-meat 

ÿ